This article deals with heavy themes of grief and loss, please read with caution. <3

Anyone who’s lost someone in their lifetime knows grief can be a complicated experience. One moment, you may feel perfectly fine, while the next, you’re clutching your chest and feeling like the floor just got pulled out from under you. I lost one of my best friends, a girl I’d known since I was just six years old, in my junior year of high school. This was the first time someone close to me had died. It was absolutely devastating, and still often is to this day. It changed my life and myself in a lot of ways, and continues to affect me heavily. Grief can persist in many ways and forms, often for many years. One of the ways I like to think about the lasting impact of grief is that it doesn’t shrink over time; you grow around it. In this article, I will break down some of the changes I’ve noticed in my feelings after transitioning from high school to college, as well as how I’ve managed to cope with those feelings overall.

Defining Grief and Change

For simplicity’s sake, I will be referring to my own experiences with the death of a friend in this article. However, I do believe that loss and grief can come in many forms, including the end of romantic relationships or friendships, the loss of pets; even a move may inflict grief on a person. Ultimately, I would define “grief” as mourning the loss of something you used to have but has in some way changed if not disappeared entirely. I am not an elitist in terms of suffering – if you feel this article applies to you or you can in some way benefit from it, then it is meant for you. When I refer to change, again, for simplicity’s sake, I am referring mainly to the milestones I have made regarding school, especially since the end of high school. For me, that means graduating high school, starting college, transferring campuses and majors, and then all the friendships formed in between. For others, that may be something different. Again, this article is intended for anyone who finds it useful. 

Guilt and Progress

My friend, who I’ll call L, and I were around the same age. We were both born in 2007, and we both would’ve graduated in 2025. Walking the stage that year knowing she couldn’t do the same was infinitely painful. I found myself jealous of people for the most random and unfair of reasons, or wondering why it had happened to someone like L. Once I got to college, I’ve found it hard not to talk about her, even to random strangers. I often catch myself wondering how she’d feel about certain events or conversations; everything seems to find a way to relate back to her at times. I’ve mostly grown past feeling guilty over my own milestones and achievements – she wouldn’t want that for me, after all. I still find it hard not to regret the things left unsaid, though. Right before she passed, she reached out to me to make sure everything was okay. It was the first time we’d spoken in a long time, and I hadn’t wanted to give a detailed response at the time. The night before she passed, I decided I’d properly respond the next day. By that morning, I’d missed my chance. I still hold quite a bit of guilt and regret over that, and am still grappling with how to cope with those painful feelings.

Growth and Coping: It’s a Journey

Learning to live with grief was a painful process, one that I’m still dealing with today. As I mentioned earlier in this article, I don’t believe the pain ever really shrinks or goes away, but I do believe you learn to grow around it. There are many ways to cope with grief, one of which is to simply let yourself hurt. Sometimes, pain needs to be felt. When I feel safe doing so, I’ll play some music that reminds me of my friend, get myself a bottle of water and some stuffed animals, and just cry my heart out. It helps a lot to get out my bottled-up emotions and gives the grief some space to breathe. I also remind myself that it doesn’t benefit L, nor anyone else, to hold myself back because she isn’t here anymore. In fact, why not live in her honor? I get a chance; I should live life to its fullest extent in her stead. Another thing that has helped me personally, though it certainly may not be for everyone, is religion. After my friend passed, I turned to Judaism, beginning a journey of self-discovery and research that ultimately led to conversion. Of course, there are plenty of religions to choose from other than Judaism, so if you are seeking something to align with your personal beliefs, I am sure there is a faith out there that would work for you! That isn’t the solution for everyone, though. One of the reasons religion worked so well for me is the community it provided for me, and communities can be built through virtually any shared interest or experience. Grief is a struggle meant to be shared, not experienced alone. I would firmly encourage anyone experiencing any form of grief or loss to lean on those close to them, we as humans are meant to share our pain and joy – after all, a shared joy is twice as joyful, while a shared sorrow makes for half a sorrow. 

In Conclusion:

Grief is a complicated and painful thing to deal with. However, no matter how difficult it may be to deal with, nothing is impossible. Whatever you’re experiencing, you can absolutely get through it. Don’t hesitate to lean on the people who love and care about you; even if you don’t feel worth it, I promise you are. There are so many reasons to keep going through it all, and to keep striving for success! The people you’ve lost wouldn’t want you to hold yourself back for their sake, so keep going in their honor instead. <3

Edited and Reviewed by Kien Powell