When you live your life one way for so long, it’s hard to see it any other way. All the little things are heightened and all the big things seem unbearable. When the love you thought was normal turns into the love you know you don’t deserve, it’s hard to truly comprehend what the next move is. To know what life you’ll truly be stepping into, what next steps, goals and aspirations that wait for you on the other side of what feels like a prison. What things you can do without reporting back, asking for permission, or even changing for someone that had no right to rip yourself away from the being you tried so hard to love.
Feeling free with him. In the beginning stages of a relationship, it feels light and truly unexplainable. You let that person in, they see all of you and in that moment it makes sense. The puppy love we have for each other makes everything around seem small like we are the only people that matter. The cruelty of the world fades, the bubble around us forms, the time spent together outweighs our time alone, my phone screen lights up every second of the day with messages and reels that reminded him of me, and life truly feels complete.
Feeling trapped with him. Time passes, things change, and people change. The freedom I thought I had drifted. When you’re with someone for 2 ½ years things slip and fade. People change, control takes over, college changes people. In the first semester of college, routines are out of whack and families are farther than ever. Two different people, living two different college experiences. Two different peoples’ outlook on love, ways to love, and receive love. The way in which you love someone is either a direct hit or a soft hug. In this instance, it was a direct hit, needing to know who I was with, who I talked to, what I wore, my Instagram following, all the way down to if our pictures were still hanging in my room. Molding me to the person I can’t face in the mirror, to a person you shaped to be your dream girl, someone I clearly was not. You tried to MAKE me your soulmate when that is simply something that is found, not made.
Feeling free after him. The way in which I felt after leaving was a mix of sorrow and hope. Feeling this weight lifted off of me and old light peeking through again. The light I thought I’d lost, the mental battles I thought I would never overcome, the person in the mirror I never thought I’d love again. All the changes happened almost instantly. From being told I needed a therapist to help save us and being told I need to have hope, to being the happiest I’ve been in a while. The light you lost is always retrievable, always capable of being found. You never really know how toxic something is until you leave. Your person isn’t made, they are found and you shouldn’t have to change a single thing to see that.
Edited and Reviewed by Kien Powell